36 weeks, 5 days
I'm sick to my stomach, feeling like I've fallen off a cliff, yet excited at the same time. Weirdest combination of emotions ever! Yesterday, our OB appt. proved to be one of the most surprising of all. He decided that this baby is getting too big and is worried that my body won't last until May 8th. So, we're delivering her on May 1st instead. Part of me is not surprised at all. I've been saying for months now that I thought she was coming the week of April 27th. But, another part of me is freaked out by my motherly intuition. How the hell did I know this?
So, of course, now we're running around like chickens with our heads cut off. We've got some major house cleaning to do and lots of errands, shopping and preparations to make. For example, Tuesday, we've got an appointment with the California Highway Patrol to properly install our car seat. We've already put it in ourselves. But, neither one of us trust the job we've done. I mean, are you supposed to jimmy rig it with duct tape to get it to stay on secure? Okay. Just kidding about the tape. But, we're really not sure if it is in right.
A.D.D Moment: I haven't even packed our bag yet! So, that is most definitely happening today. aaaack!
This pregnancy has also taken its toll over the last couple of days. My hands and face are getting pudgier, I've gained 3 lbs in the last week, and I'm really , really, uncomfortable. And, I feel like I'm about ready to die half the time. And no. I'm not kidding. I woke up at 3 am this morning and couldn't catch my breath. I had diarrhea and had nausea. My fingers were the size of sausages, I could barely walk, and my blood pressure was sky high at 132/102. That only made me feel worse. I woke up SG seeking comfort. And, as he lay there lovingly rubbing my back, I had a little meltdown and felt better. Sometimes a few tears can be the best medicine.
Speaking of emotional instability....
I have no idea what to really feel at the moment. On the outside, no one would ever know the turmoil going on inside me. I'm scared to death about being a mom. And I'm praying to God I don't screw things up. I want our daughter to be raised in a nurturing enviroment. And, I hope I can live up to the task. We are about ready to embark on an incredible journey. What an amazing gift! I just keep asking myself, "How in the world did I get here?". I was supposed to be miserable and living alone at the age of 44. At least that is what it looked like would happen to me just 3 years ago. Everything changed in the blink of an eye. And here I am... married to the perfect man and finally having the baby I always dreamed about. I'm serious people. This better not be a dream because I'm taking it out on someone if I wake up. Along with all the fear comes this amazingly huge dose of humility and awe. I'm going to be a mommy. And no matter how many times I say it to myself, it still feels like I'm making things up in my head. So now, when I say, "I'm going to be a mommy in 6 days", it is an unbelievable thing to grasp in my little ant brain.
I saw my girlfriend Joy's baby yesterday. She was just hours old and perfect in every way. And, I couldn't stop staring at her. In just a few days, I'll be laying in a similar bed as Joy, with a lucite bassinet next to me and a perfect little bundle of love of our own sleeping inside. I'm pinching myself and haven't woken up yet. I guess this must be real.
Please...let it be real.