Do I Dare Believe?

12 weeks, 6 days

Tomorrow is my 13 week mark at being pregnant. At 44 years old, I never thought this would happen. And now that it looks like this little munchkin is actually going to stick, I'm wondering if SG and I have lost our minds.

I started getting pretty severe morning sickness starting at 6 weeks, and it hasn't stopped yet. Daily, (especially between weeks 6-11) I spent the day feeling as though I was in a tiny dinghy in the middle of a very swelly ocean. And, the feeling never subsided. It was unbelievably relentless. The last week or so, the nausea only seems to hit in the evenings. Which, is a drag after you've gone through an entire day exhausted and all you want to do is sleep.

I finally had to break down and buy some maternity clothes. It is mostly the pants that I'm needing, as none of my regular pants/jeans fit around the waist anymore. I'm getting a baby bump that is starting to become visible underneath my Pillsbury dough roll. And, it ain't a pretty sight. I wouldn't mind so much, if I looked pregnant. Right now, I just look really fat. And, I feel the need to say, "I'm pregnant" to people I meet so they know the difference. The expression on their face is usually complete confusion.

But all is not grim in preggo land. We've seen the baby quite a few times on ultrasound. And, this last week, could see it moving around like crazy. The technician was having problems getting it to lay on its back so she could do some measurements. Instead, it insisted on laying on its right side (exactly how mommy and daddy both love to sleep). We also have a home doppler, which allows us to check in daily and hear its heart beat. Last night it was a strong 154 bpm. The rate is dropping a little now that it is getting bigger. The highest recorded was 161 at 10 weeks.

Part of me is still too scared to embrace the idea that a baby is going to invade our home in a few months. It doesn't quite seem real. I've yet to step into a baby store. I think I'm just afraid. Not afraid of having a baby, but afraid that something is going to go wrong before it can get here. So, I'm still protecting my heart from disappointment. I keep telling myself I'll let my heart embrace the idea after we get back our NT Scan results this week (and after which I'll be in my 2nd trimester). The first part of the scan showed a great result of a 1.5mm width of the nuchal translucency area (anything under 2.9 is considered good). But, we are still waiting for the blood work to come in, which will be coupled together with the measurement and my age in order to give us the odds of having a child with defects. Not a pleasant thing to think about. But, because of the initial results, I'm feeling pretty positive. I think the day that I can walk into a baby store and buy my first little onesie, I'll know that I've let myself believe it.